Eating in

I seldom post about what I cooked because I was a very functional cook, unless I bothered with plating for Valentine’s Day or the recent Seafood Noodles.

Having no live-in helper meant we were pretty much on our own for cleaning up. As such, I minimized the amount of mess created during cooking.

That also meant I refrained from using many cultery. The irony was we had a dishwasher machine but we had not used it for the last 6 years. I wondered if it was still working.

Eating in was a lot of hassle. In order to cook at home, we had to plan, buy and allocate time for grocery shopping. There was also the packing and storing of bags of food after every grocery trip. The children were part of the shopping because they got to handle bits of procurement and logistics. 

Sometimes, the kids also helped with simple cooking like stirring or watching something being baked in the kitchen. The most gratifying feeling of all was when the kids immersed themselves in the aroma of cooking and ate up well. 

Admittedly, cooking was a messy, hot and possibly oily affair. However, to be able to produce healthy and delicious meals from fresh and good quality ingredients for the family and to be conscientious about eating out less, I felt quite proud of the efforts both Mr H and I put in. Of course, it helped that the kids were always appreciative. 

Worser end of the stick

One of my MBA ex-classmates shared this about how life was generally unfair for women. To a large extent, it was pretty true.

I recalled deciding that career was more important and wanting to have children later. Of course, Mr H convinced me otherwise and I ended up juggling a full plate of work, postgraduate studies and a child at the same time. Right after completing my MBA, while some of my schoolmates went on to more exciting career, I took a more muted path happily. 

It took a long time and talks with many people before I found the equilibrium of being a guilt-free mommy. Of course, the constant documentation in this space served to remind myself of the many wonderful things, visits and trips I had done for my family. 

I did not think we are asking to be understood, empathized or praised. Just fewer judgments and a sweet spouse would be good. No tantrums from the kids, big or small, would be a bonus. 

Pushing one’s limits

One morning, a friend sent a brain teaser riddle. That broke the monotony of the morning as we set to see who could solve the math problem quickly and accurately. Then we started talking about our studying days.

I had hoped that Z would be able to take up higher chinese in the following year. In fact, I had been dousing him with the higher Chinese assessment books though he was taking mainstream Chinese.

I recalled how passionate my Chinese teacher was, and from there, I recalled how we used to participate in different contests to make our teacher happy and proud. I commented to Mr H that on hind sight, we were really eager to please and fighting to do more and better than each other.

Even at JC, we were even looking at ways to do S papers, despite S papers being really tough and tedious. 

I just wondered how on earth we got to that point and how I could make Z and X get to that without getting all stressed. 

Eve of a new year

It’s the second consecutive year that our nuclear family is spending the turn of the year in Japan.

When we spent New Year away from home the year before, the reality of 2016 did not sink in. There was no countdown, and we were too tired from travelling to stay up. 

It looked the same this year. It seemed like we would be greeting 2017 in the same manner and feeling like the year was always fresh. 

The funniest part? We never got around to setting resolutions because we were too tired to think of them. Besides, we would do what we want and never do what we didn’t want. 

Bye to 2016, Hi 2017

I still honestly felt that 2016 was a pretty new year to me. It had been pretty surreal signing off dates in 2016, more so when 2017 hit.

Generally speaking, 2016 had been a fun year. I gained new friendships, strengthened some and repaired one. I also learned the hard knocks of being overly trusting and to let go of what’s to be let go. Perhaps a cryptic statement but letting go made life a lot easier in terms of expectations.

Family wise, the general health of some people around me had not been ideal. It would be lovely if they could recover. I still thanked my lucky stars that my immediate family members had been alright. I wished they would stay safe and healthy. 

2016 had been a wild ride, a hectic ride and most importantly, a fun ride. It’d been so busy that I hardly have time to blog properly, even for this reflection piece.

In 2017, I might slow down, or try to slow down. I might blog less because playtime is on the up. 

Till then, happy new year and may all of our 2017 be better than the previous years.

Study versus play

Recently, a special community called “100 Voices” was set up. Basically, they found individuals who did not do so well academically and shared their success stories. It was a movement to encourage parents to stop emphasizing on grades. I also read many comments which stated that this would not work in meritocracy based Singapore. 

There would always be external factors hindering and people would always complain, simply because they wanted everything(a perfect solution) served on a silver platter. The gap between expectations and reality was not easy to bridge. 

I agreed that locally, the parents here placed way too much emphasis on studies. Had I foreseen the trend earlier, I would have joined teaching, run a private tuition centre and be part of the billion dollar industry. We would never know what the future trends were, so how would attending more English, Math, Mother Tongue and Science lessons today help?

With preschool and lower primary students being on the worst end of the sticks, their child-like innocence and playtime were being burned away at additional academic lessons and tuition. 

Parental involvement was the key to teaching a child because you could identify the weakness. If you could convince your child to listen to you, your child would be a good listener in school too. 

Parent-led coaching was effective because you could tailor the teaching and impart values at the same time. The whole process could also be more productive. You spend lesser time to get the same results. It was never about giving the child answers but to encourage a problem-solving and concentrating mindset. 
Instead of letting children spend hours and hours cooped up in a tuition/enrichment centre, I would rather let them run free and play as they liked, for as long as they can before their real responsibilities grew with time. 

It had been 4 years since I held my ground against academic enrichment. Initially, Z’s preschool teachers voiced their concerns. When his concentration peaked in school after all that play and sports, they agreed that additional enrichment were not necessary.

I had been tempted to send Z to the likes of tuition and Learning Lab. However, whenever I recalled how I used to zone out at those extra lessons and spending time with tuition centre mates that did not value add my EQ, I knew I would not want to coop Z further in a classroom. The real classroom was the world outside. 

Empty Nest Syndrome

I started hearing this term this year. A few of Z’s friends were the youngest child in a family of 4 or 5 kids. The experienced parents were talking about this and I thought how apt it sounded.

Quoted from Wikipedia:

Empty nest syndrome is a feeling of grief and loneliness parents may feel when their children leave home for the first time, such as to live on their own or to attend a college or university. It is not a clinical condition.[1]

Since young adults moving out from their families house is generally a normal and healthy event, the symptoms of empty nest syndrome often go unrecognized. This can result in depression and a loss of purpose for parents, since the departure of their children from “the nest” leads to adjustments in parents’ lives. Empty nest syndrome is especially common in full-time mothers.
In our context, this was less likely to happen unless we were to send Z and X overseas for studies. Thankfully for Asian culture and upbringing, the culture of kids living on their own was not prevalent. Besides, rental monies were unnecessary expenditure in tiny Singapore. 

However, I started thinking about how our kids would have their own lives and friends by teenage years. They would spend lesser time with us. Now, they still needed us to ferry them around, chaperon them, arrange play dates and pay for their expenses.

How many years would it be down the road before Z preferred to spend time with his friends?

How many more years would I have with X before he deemed hanging out with his parents as uncool?

By then, the house would miss the screams, shrieks and mess of the boys. At times when juggling kids and work was tough, I reminded myself that having a career was critical. It was not the feeling of self worth, it was a reminder that there was more to life than kids, especially when they no longer depended on their parents. 

Is it the system or the parents?

This entire “hoo haa” about PSLE created new and additional discussions about Singapore’s less-than-desirable education system. It could be the rebel in me who refused to conform, it could also be how I looked at the big picture, how I already planned my future steps and hence, thinking very little of PSLE.

For some people, it was a “been there done that” and recognizing that a good PSLE score was insignificant in one’s future.

For some people, it was a “been there done that” and benefiting from the system.

For most of the “never been there nor done that” folks, they believed that securing a good grade was akin to ensuring that their children were on the greener side of the pasture.

Some blamed the MOE system. Some blamed the overzealous parents who were too quick to throw money at tuition teachers in a bid to turn their kids into “super genius”. Was it the PSLE or the parents robbing young children of their playtime?

As one of #TLC (The Leadership Challenge) practices go, leaders should always inspired a shared vision. In this instance, the greater purpose was to enjoy the pursuit of knowledge, not to clear PSLE. 

Too many parents think that their children are capable of getting 4 points for their 2021 PSLE. Well, I doubted Mr H and I were so brilliant to produce sure-win offsprings with guaranteed top notch scores. However, that was not important.

What was important was that our children enjoyed their childhood, that we had many happy times and they would grow up loving the concept of families, and eventually have their own. I always felt thankful for the days when I was greeted with silly grins, sloppy kisses and tiny hugs. It did not matter how bad my days were, they never felt to cheer me up (though spilling and peeing on the floor could rile me!).

Unfortunately, every parent wanted his/her child to be the winner of the game. This led to the crazily competitive situation where parents overly invested in tuition for an insignificant outcome to the children’s future, creating very poor or negative ROI. 

Was it the system or the parents?